The trouble with bosses
Sarah Wilshaw-Sparkes and Galia BarHava-Monteith have some advice for dealing with ‘troublesome bosses’
Nearly all of us have a ‘significant senior’ in our current working life. Sometimes we’re lucky enough to have a boss who’s a true role model and a great coach, keen to help us advance. Mostly we have one we can rub along with well enough. But every now and then we meet a real challenge. It might be a bullying boss, or a sexist boss, or a lazy boss. Whatever the negative behaviour, it undermines our confidence and saps a lot of the pleasure from work.
Difficult boss behaviours are not limited to one gender. Because the numbers in the legal profession tilt strongly towards male bosses, however, we’ve used the male pronoun in this article.
Take back control
So what can you do about a troublesome boss? We suggest your main objective should be to regain a sense of control of the situation. The power imbalance makes difficult behaviour from your boss both alienating and depressing. Once you feel more in control of your personal interactions, it will become easier to focus on your work again. Below we discuss three options, each invoking a higher level of confrontation. Gauge for yourself how far you want – or need – to go. But first…
Walk a mile in your boss’ shoes
It may sound surprising, but pondering your boss’ frame of mind and what’s going on in his life is a good starting point. Ask yourself:
• What is he going through at home or work right now?
• Is he under unusual performance pressure and taking it out on you?
• Is he feeling threatened? For example, by more technologically literate, smarter, younger people?
Your new insights might make you feel more tolerant, and thus able to put up with the behaviour. Alternatively, they can help you come up with the most appropriate strategy for dealing with the situation.
With that exercise as background, let’s look at the three broad options.
1. Ignore his behaviour (and work on Plan B)
No, this isn’t a cop-out! Some people say outrageous things simply to get a reaction. Behavioural psychology tells us the more you react, whether through your words or your body language, the more you risk encouraging the behaviour. Turn off the attention and you may find the antics taper off, too.
Also, choosing to ignore sexist or bullying comments can be a powerful way to regain that sense of control. There is a risk you’ll later regret not confronting the problem head-on, but this is a way to cope that won’t drain your energy.
You can invest some of that saved energy into exploring Plan B. If you believe your boss is unlikely ever to change his behaviour – and you’re not ready to deal with the situation head-on any time soon – then you may want to consider an exit to another role in the organisation or elsewhere. Your mindset is crucial here. It’s as simple as telling yourself, “I’m choosing to leave this environment because my boss is a jerk and I’ve got options”.
2. Have a “courageous conversation”
This is the conversation you really don’t want to have, but the one most likely to influence behavioural change. It means asking your boss to meet to discuss your working relationship, and informing him that you find aspects of working with him difficult. The desired outcome is for him to change how he interacts with you.
As you prepare for this talk, consider why he behaves the way he does. It may stem from ignorance, not malice. His behaviour may have been condoned by past employers. Other reasons, like cultural differences, may also play a part. Further, he may be unaware of the impact of his words and actions on you. None of this justifies his behaviour, but it may help you to approach the conversation in a constructive way.
Other preparation includes writing down examples of the problem behaviours, including who was present, what was said, how it affected you. Once you have the ‘content’ in black and white, you can work on the ‘process’. The best courageous conversations are well planned and rehearsed. Write down your specific aims and how you want the conversation to flow.
If your firm has a Human Resources department, they can be valuable as thought partners to help you structure your approach. They should act under confidentiality, although you should confirm this. You can request that no formal notes be taken for your file or that of your boss. In addition, you may want to ask them to attend your courageous conversation meeting.
3. Use formal confrontation methods
If neither of the previous approaches feels right for your circumstances, and if you’re willing to be more confrontational, you have further options. At this point, however, it’s important to ask yourself what you want to achieve.
Do you want to stay in your current job? If so, and if an informal approach was unsuccessful, or you felt unable to tackle your boss alone, then professional mediation is probably the best option for you.
Do you want to make a point and ‘teach your boss a lesson’? In the case of sexist or racist behaviour, complaining to the Human Rights Commissioner could be appropriate. In the case of bullying, you can lodge a formal complaint with your HR department. This is a major step and will usually trigger a formal investigation process.
You can approach your HR department for these options. With their assistance you might rethink the route you’ve chosen. Regardless, they should be able to guide you to make any necessary written preparations.
If you cannot face staying at your firm, let alone your current job, because of the extent of your mistreatment, then you have the option of seeking compensation. Readers of NZLawyer will no doubt be fully familiar with the process for this!
Our final tip is to read the book Absolute Honesty by Larry Johnson and Bob Phillips. It contains powerful ideas on how to deal with these difficult situations in a way that yields good results and strengthens relationships.
Sarah Wilshaw-Sparkes and Galia BarHava-Monteith are the directors of www.professionelle.co.nz.
20 July 2007